#21 !! make me blind so I can see

Darkness is often linked with despair and the reason seems obvious: you can’t see in the dark.

You wander around with your hands up, tip toeing around everything, just hoping that you don’t hurt yourself. Not hurting yourself would be a success when stumbling in the dark.

Like darkness, you can’t see in despair. 

All you can do is stumble around with your hands in the air, tip toeing around everything, hoping to get through it without hurting yourself.

When your commitment in that one thing shifts and your certainty turns to darkness, your understanding of everything darkens. After all, you could only understand everything because you were certain about one thing. Your grounding in that one thing gave you a position by which you could turn around, in all directions and see everything else. Now, with that one thing abandoned you can no longer understand anything, anyone, or even your self.

Your own reflection in the mirror challenges you.

Old photos from years ago seem like ancient memories.

Words you had written seem like a foreigners words.

Everything is strange, everything is foreign, everyone seems absent.

But you are willing to live in this place and you are willing to live in this strangeness.

You are willing because you know the Truth. You know that you can’t go back to where you were. You have come to grips with the fact that you were wrong and that you need something/someone new. It was the hardest thing you’ve ever done to let go of that which you loved so much, but it had to be done because Truth trumps Emotion.

When we grow up we stop believing in things which we know aren’t true, even things that make us feel good.

Santa Claus made me feel very good but I could not find it in me to believe any longer.

You know that there is a job that needs to get done and no matter how difficult and painful it is, it must get done. The Truth must be embraced. Even if it means you spending time stumbling and tumbling around in the dark.

You are willing to endure this darkness because you are unwilling to endure a life of denial.

Being in darkness, no matter how uncomfortable, frightening and lonesome is still better than being blinded by the light.

I would rather be blind than to be constantly squinting and unable to rest my eyelids. When I’m squinting I can’t reflect and concentrate on what is needed.

A man lived a certain way of life. He was committed to a particular cause. But soon a bright light hit his eyes. It caused him to tumble and fall. But he was thankful. For during his blindness he was able to reflect, concentrate and choose another direction, one which required him to change his name and his identity.

Make me blind so that I can see.

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5 Comments on “#21 !! make me blind so I can see”

  1. Rudolph
    September 22, 2011 at 9:26 pm #

    How did Santa make you feel good?

    • September 23, 2011 at 10:15 am #

      The notion that a flying fat man cared about me enough to make his way from the North Pole and shimmy down the chimney and leave me gifts made me feel very good. I’m not exactly sure HOW, but it was just a pleasant sentiment – one that I wanted to believe… but eventually had to let go.

      When I found out that it was my father eating the cookies and leaving the gifts I felt a great loss. The gifts were great and everything, but I can honestly say that I never believed in Santa strictly because of the rewards.

  2. Anonymous
    September 24, 2011 at 1:07 am #

    you got me thinking about truth and emotion. there is something about wonder that allows for a little bit of both. the understanding of truth but the sway of emotion amidst broken humanness. i think there is this mysteriousness in wonder. a mystery in wondering. in that blindness you are talking about, i think there is great insecurity. and i guess insecurity is inherent within wonder. i think it’s hard to hold onto hope when there is history of so much personal and universal pain. sometimes i question how, in our humanness, can we look to blindness, to that mystery, as something beautiful..
    i guess i’m just thinking out loud to you here.
    my painting professor once told me (after deep critiques of my work) that melancholy is a dangerous thing and not to get to wrapped up in it. maybe i struggle with that.. ha.

  3. September 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm #

    Beautiful comment Anonymous.

    I got the line “Make my blind so I may see” from a blind man himself – his name is John Newton. He wrote the hymn “Amazing Grace”. In the movie Amazing Grace, there is a scene where Newton is talking to his friend and student William Wilberforce. Newton who has recently lost all of his sight says, “Didn’t I once write, ‘I once was blind, but now I see’?” William says, “Yes, you did.” Newton, unable to see anything, says “Well, now at last it’s true!”.

  4. Anonymous
    September 25, 2011 at 1:51 pm #

    oh, you’re right about that. i didn’t make that connection. that is a lovely insight.

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