lust/AWE (Conclusion)

Written on February 14, 2011

I’ve been back in Canada for almost 2 months. I’m up at 6am every morning. I spend a few hours reading, writing and blogging before running a couple dozen kilometers. I then work half a dozen hours before biking for another hour. Maybe I’ll then watch half a movie or read a couple chapters before falling asleep.

And yet, even with the constant busyness and sometimes dizziness the girl with the red coat still, like a dripping faucet, finds her way into my head.


It was Lust when it was possible, but now that it is impossible I’m left in Awe.

Awe… not Lust and not Love!

I’ve flown across the Atlantic, far away, I won’t see her again. The possibility of being with her provoked a lustful thought, but the impossibility of being with her leaves me with only the sense of awe. I have a memory of her, which is not lustful but admirable.

But what is Love? For later…

Awe exists because of the absurd, the paradox, the impossible – the impossible, which is not attainable but still feels very real. Two months later, that’s where I sit.

Awe is like hope.

They do not exist in “likelihood”. No one is in awe over what is in front of him. No one hopes for what she already has.

What causes the hope and what causes the Awe can’t be something which is to the left or to the right of you!

It is the very thing that is neither to your right nor to your left that you awe for more than anything. It brings both fear (knowing you can’t have it) and comfort (knowing that it exists).

You crave the sweetness of your fear of heights.

And so, two months later.

While driving west on a vacant 401, heading straight into the mouth of the sun, I turn the radio off.

While running east on the waterfront with the Great Lake to my right, I zone out.

While waiting for the transfer on the shirt to finish, I go back to the tearoom.

In those moments, which last for only seconds, comes introspection. I go back to my time with her.

What you think about during those quick and lucid moments of solitary confinement is what leads down one of the two roads.

The hope/awe is not heavy or vocal. It does not flood; it only drips. It is not spoken for it is too precious to be abused with words. The quantity of the introspection is not tremendous, but the quality is fantastic, so fantastic, in fact, that the quantity doesn’t even need to be great.

So what is Love!?

Love is lust, it is awe and it is commitment all in one.

She must cause the mind to be single…

She must act like a constant drip…

She must be your impossible…

The girl in England is impossible because she is not present and that’s why I am merely in awe.

She must be present for me to be in Love.

I am not in love for she is not present and commitment is therefore impossible. Love requires lust, which I had, awe, which I have, and commitment, which is impossible for me right now.

For love to exist, she must be to my left AND she must remain a paradox: too good to be true/too unbelievable to be believable. It’s impossible that I’m holding her, but, nevertheless, I am! She’s here!

That’s when the Lust is transformed beyond Awe and into Love.

No one who has ever been in love has given it up because no one would dare give up the impossible!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

ps. But don’t be discouraged if all you have is lust or awe. They are necessary.

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Categories: culture, Existential Ideas


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